Part of moving on from my marriage has been learning to be independent - financially, emotionally, as a parent, and as a home owner. I have learned that I am my own rescuer, not someone else. Relying on people is good, but not at the expense of disregarding our own capabilities and worth. I am no different on my own than I was when I was married - I only believed the illusion that life was easier and safer with a partner.
Our life is cloaked in stories based on experience. When something validates our story, it makes the groove that much deeper, and the story that much more believable. Our stories create habits that turn into addictions and obsessions. Our stories prevent us from taking risks. They keep us safe and tethered to the material world and all its illusions. Our stories keep us small; because as long as our ego tells us we are unworthy, lacking, and not enough, it holds all the power.
There's an idea I love about gathering the scattered pieces of ourselves. Meaning, when we start to get curious about who we are, we begin a process of collecting and exposing all the things we have kept hidden. We start to dig and uncover. Instead of relying on someone else to fix us, we own ourself fully. We learn to accept ourself, forgive ourself, and take care of ourself, maybe for the first time.
I took out my journal and wrote. There was no one to call and no other distraction. I wrote about past pain and experiences, everything from childhood bullying to boyfriends to my marriage and ex husband. I wrote pages of anger and resentment and fear. The anxiousness turned into a panic as I realized how much I hadn't dealt with, how many difficult emotions I hadn't honored. What if I can't do this? What if I shouldn't be thinking about these things?
If you are spiraling. If you feel control slipping, anxiety peaking, unhealthy voices and behaviors escalating, stop and look in the mirror. Who do you see, and is she the person you intended? Does her outside match the inside? Or is it time for a realignment? Speak to her in the mirror - not a story or a criticism, but something real and true.
Our society is like one giant hoarder, and there is no space left to listen or to be. Within the mess, there is no reality, only illusion and distraction. We drag around the residue of old wounds and relationships. We bend our heads over phones and computers. We expose our minds to continuous senses and information, and we carelessly grab at pieces to listen to.