I Align with My Truth
It's scary to be who you are. Pressure starts when we are so young. I wore pretty dresses to church and holidays because my parents wanted me to, and it was what all the other little girls did. I didn't think about whether I liked wearing dresses or not, I just played along. Seeing the approval on my parents' faces meant the world to me. My sister complained and rallied against the dresses, like most things my parents asked her to do. I wondered why she made such a big deal - let's just smile and cross our legs like good females and everything will be ok. No one will bother us - and we will be safe.
Pretty soon, gaining approval from others went outside my parents. I smiled because everyone always told me I had a great smile. I strived to be the perfect daughter, sister, wife, and mother. On the outside, I looked good. Actually, I was so good at the game, I couldn't tell whether I was still playing along or whether these roles and societal expectations actually became ME. The truth got very blurry - who was I?
Inside I was slowly dying. My body knew I wasn't aligned with truth. People on the outside gave me compliments, but inside I criticized myself. I knew I was addicted long before I decided to quit. I knew I had eating disorder tendencies but I clung to them for control. I knew something was wrong with my marriage. I knew if anyone found out the real me, they wouldn't like me anymore.
I craved authenticity and a deep spiritual life inside but I also wanted to fit in on the outside. I couldn't maintain both.
If you are spiraling. If you feel control slipping, anxiety peaking, unhealthy voices and behaviors escalating, stop and look in the mirror. Who do you see, and is she the person you intended? Does her outside match the inside? Or is it time for a realignment? Speak to her in the mirror - not a story or a criticism, but something real and true.
Are you sad? Are you scared? Are you confused? Are you joyful? Sometimes we even have trouble allowing ourselves to experience joy.
Find the truth inside yourself and don't only let that be enough - grab it, harness it, and never let it get blurry again.
Fight for your dreams. Feed your soul. Don't apologize. Enact relentless, compassionate, all encompassing love for yourself. Everyone who knows you will love you even more. They already love you just as you are, and they'd love to see you return home.